New Year's Kiss
by MegaChoirQueer
Summary: Megamind kidnaps Roxanne on New Year's Eve, but she turns out to be drunk! Minion is going to take her back home but can't find the extra can of knock-out spray. So what's a criminal genius to do when he has the love of his life alone and drunk in front of him on New Year's Eve? Rated T for a lot of alcoholic & sexual references and adult language. R&R! :D One-Shot w/ alternate end
1. New Year's Kiss

**My first real one-shot! I wrote it for New Year's. So, HAPPY NEW YEAR'S! It's kind of short and not that well-written, because I wanted to finish it in 2012 and it's 2013, so I'm already late. But, here it is. Rated T for adult language, sexual references and a lot of alcohol references. ENJOY! :D (P.S. I've never been drunk before, so I could only base this off of what I've seen in media before.)**

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"Ummagh! What's thisth _bag_ doin' on muh _head_?" Roxanne Ritchi giggled.

"Ah!" Megamind exclaimed from behind his black leather spinny-chair, "She's awake! Minion, go!" His face was that of a child's on Christmas morning. He was always excited to kidnap Roxanne. Sure, some of it was because of the competition that followed up with Metro Man, which they had been involved in since infancy, but the real reason was one that he would never admit to anyone. After all, it would totally ruin his image of Metro City's evil villain, not that anyone was actually scared of what he would _do_. Everyone knew that Megamind wouldn't hurt a fly, but they were afraid of what he _was_. A blue, bald alien who was intellectually superior compared to any other being on the planet. Yet, Megamind liked to believe that he was in control. He liked the attention. He liked being noticed, even if it wasn't in the most positive of ways. And most of all, he loved seeing Roxanne.

Roxanne was the apple of his eye, and had been since he had first met her in high school. He always had a huge crush on her, and as he spent more time with her, his feelings for the nosy reporter grew and developed into a fully dreadful and terrible emotion: love.

He tried to stop it, his feelings, that is. But every time he flipped the TV on, and her face appeared, his heart would literally skip a beat and he couldn't do anything about it but sit there and deal with the long suffering that rejection brings. But that didn't stop him from trying! Oh, no, of course not! Megamind continued to kidnap her, hoping that one day he'd impress her and she'd agree to becoming his evil queen. Or at least tell him that she liked him, just as an acquaintance, a co-worker, or even as a _friend_. To him it felt like a slap in the face to not even be able to call himself her pal. It's every man's worst nightmare to be friend-zoned, but that seventh layer of hell would seem like cloud nine compared to the shithole he was in.

He was also excited to kidnap Roxanne because he'd been anticipating for this plot all day long. Normally, he would have his big, obnoxious scene toward the beginning of the day, or at least in the afternoon. It was a quarter after 11 in the night-time. At the moment, he became oblivious just as to why he had kidnapped her that late due to all of his enthusiasm and adrenaline, so he didn't immediately distinguish what was going on after he told Minion to proceed.

Minion lifted the potato sack off from the reporter's head. When her head was visible, she looked around the room, slack-jawed, entirely dumbfounded by the environment surrounding them. "Whoa! Check 'dis shit out!" she hollered, pointing at one of the guns.

"Uh, Miss Ritchi?" Megamind acknowledged, turning his chair around to check the situation out.

"Ya know, I've always lu-" she paused, as if she were searching her mind for the correct word, "loved yur doohickeies. They're real impressive ya know?" she chuckled, with a comical grin. Her enormous cobalt eyes were bloodshot and her charcoal-coloured eyeliner was so heavy that she gave the impression of being a racoon. Her scarlet red lipstick was smeared around her mouth, not too much to make her look utterly unattractive (then again, when was Roxanne Ritchi ever _unattractive_?) but enough for any third-party observer to tell that something was up.

"Miss Ritchi! I believe-"

"HEY! Look Im wear'n yellur socks! No really I am see?" she asked, swaying back and forth in her seat, pointing to her orange flats, where there were no yellow socks.

"Miss Ritchi, are you alright?" the so-called villain asked with a confused concern in his tone. He glared at her, befuddled. She has _never_ acted like that around him before. Ever. She seemed so disorientated and light-headed. He rolled over his chair to get a better look at her state of being. Even though he maintained on the outside, he was mentally panicking. _Is she okay? Is she ill? Was she hit in the head by a large, and remotely heavy object? Was she –_

"Am I alright? Am I _alright_? _I_ am purfeckly alright! In fackt I am.." She paused, blowing up her mouth, puckering up her lips and looking like a fish, and then she released, "_PER_FECT!" she proclaimed loudly.

Both Minion and Megamind looked at her like she just lost all of her marbles. Minion offered, "Miss Ritchi? Can I fetch you something? You know, water or… medicine?

"Um…" she started, "Do I… wait wait wait.. Does yins got some liquor? I could TOTES use some more!" she yelled. She started

"Sir, I think that Miss Ritchi is intoxicated."

Oh, that's right. It was New Year's Eve. Of course she was drunk.

"I knew _that_!" he lied. However, he _had_ noticed that she had exhibited a lot of the symptoms of intoxication: loudness, excessive laughter, slurring words, rambling, swaying uncontrollably, exuberance, and saying things that she would _never_ say sober. He just found it hard to believe that she was drunk. He understood that she was an adult and could make the adult decision to responsibly drink alcohol if she so pleased, but it was just difficult to believe that she would let herself act like this and get absolutely plastered, rather than just having a small buzz.

Minion approved, "If you say so, Sir. What do you think we should do with her? We can't just continue with a normal routine without Roxanne in a sober state. I mean, you _are_ the boss, Sir, but-"

"Good point, Minion. Maybe we should take her back to where you found her," Megamind suggested, coming even closer to Roxanne to look for more physical symptoms.

"Sounds like a great plan, Sir."

"I don't WANNA go back! Pwese don't makemeh go back! I wantsta stays here'th you! It's so pretty in here!" the drunken reporter begged.

"Where _did_ you find her?" the blue alien asked his servant, looking over his shoulder.

"Well, Sir, when I saw her, she was walking toward her work van in the parking lot near her apartment. I saw her there and sprayed her immediately, so that I could bring her back here."

"Miss Ritchi," Megamind called.

"Yeah blueberey?" said Roxanne, giggling.

"Don't call me blueberry," Megamind said in a deep, stern voice, "_Ever_," he added, for dramatic effect.

"Bwuberry," she laughed, while reaching up her tied up arms and poking the tip of his nose with her right ring finger.

The self-proclaimed evil genius was getting infuriated, but he calmed himself down, realizing that she was too blasted to be in charge of what she was doing, and he couldn't get angry at her for something that wasn't entirely her fault.

"Miss Ritchi, where you planning on driving somewhere?" Megamind reprimanded in a patronizing manner.

"No I was nuh plann'n on drivin' somewere," she stated, trying to act cute, and blatantly lying.

"Tell me the truth, Miss Ritchi," said the extra-terrestrial in a parenting manner.

"Okay well _maybe_ I was gonna drive but I'd a really really really really really really guhd reason," she admitted, attempting to play the innocent card.

"That's bad! I don't care what the reason is, Miss Ritchi. You could have gotten seriously hurt, both physically and professionally. What if you got pulled over? What if you got written up for D.U.I.? You could have lost your job! And that's not even the worst! You could have DIED! Miss Ritchi, I am very disappointed in you, and you should never do thi-"

"OKAY! I'M SORRY!" she screamed and started to cry.

"No, don't – don't cry. It's alright. You're okay now! See?" he motioned with his arm, acknowledging that she was alive and safe. Yet, she continued to cry, rapidly forming a crescendo in her voice.

"Yur so good at patronizing me! You'd make a guhd parent. Wanna make a baby?"

Add inappropriate sexual advances to that list of symptoms.

"Minion," the handsome azure man summoned, ignoring Roxanne's remark. When he got his assistant's attention, he continued, "Take her back home. Keep a brainbot near her vehicle, too, to make sure that she doesn't try to go and do something dim-witted."

"On it, Sir!" he obeyed.

He grabbed the knock-out spray, but Roxanne flailed and covered her face, "I'm not goin' back. You can't make me!" Minion pulled her hands away from her face and sprayed the can, but nothing came out. He tried a few more times, but eventually gave up.

"Sir, I think that this can ran out," Minion informed him.

"Well, go find the spare one!" his master commanded with an obvious "Duh" in his timbre.

"Of course, Sir!" he abided by his orders, walking out of the room in a hurry.

"Nuh-huh-huh-hooooo!" she pouted.

And then it was just Megamind and a drunken Roxanne. Alone. In a room. With no one else around. What could go wrong?

"Why I gotta go back?" she whined.

"Why _don't_ you want to go back? Was there something wrong?" he asked with worry. Was someone hurting her?

"YES! If I go back I haffa go tuh stupid Wayne stupid Scott's stupid New Year's Eve stupid party and don't real wanna go that's why I got drunk in the firsht place so I didn't gotta deal wit him. Personally, I always like you betta' 'den him 'cause he all 'Hey look at me! I Wayne Scott! I got stupid fuckin' powers 'n I fly 'n I strong 'n I got sexy hair!' He's just so stupidhead! But chu smart an' chu don't hit on me ev'ry fuckin' day like all duh other guys do. No, you're differnt. I like you. I think yur funner, too. Wayne's so borin', butchur cool," she confessed.

Megamind stood back in shock. Did she really just say that he was _better_ than Wayne Scott? After countless attempts to get her to like him even a little bit, she's secretly liked him more? No, it couldn't be true. She was just saying things. She was drunk, and can an intoxicated person really _ever_ be trusted while they are drunk? No.

"That's… nice," he said awkwardly. He wasn't sure of how to respond to any of this. He's never been around anyone drunk in person (even at the prison, they managed alcohol very carefully and no one ever got a hold of it there. Or at least, not when he was around). He, himself, had never been drunk before. He didn't know how to act.

"So, whudaya say 'bout havin' a party while the fish is lookin' for the spray? 'Cause yur funner that Wayne and I wanna PAR-TAY!"

"Miss Ritchi, I think you should just rest for a while. I know it's hard, but just try to keep calm for a while. You could accidentally hurt yourself, even if you don't mean to," Megamind offered.

"C'mon! You real need loosen up. Yur fun butchu can be SUCH a killjoy sometimes when yur all 'Let's be serious'," she mimicked her captor jokingly in a forced deep voice while pressing her chin to her chest in an attempt to get lower and more believable, from Megamind's point of view.

"Do you think so?" he honestly enquired. He was wondering if she really meant it. _Was_ he a killjoy sometimes? _Should_ he let go every now and then?

"Yeah. If you did we could have lots and tons o' fun!" she hollered.

"How would you suggest I do that?" he asked in a sarcastic style.

"You could _start_ by puttin' on the balldrop on yur big moniters on up there?" she rambled, becoming confused towards the end of her statement.

"What 'balldrop'?" he asked, thinking that she was just speaking gibberish.

"_OHMYGOD_! YOU NEVER SAW THE BALLDROP?!"

"No?" he queried in perplexity.

"Okay okay okay okay okay. Turn – t – turn on the channel to.. Oh my God this is gonna be so exciting! Okay, so turn on the channel to.. Oh shit! What number was it? I think it's the one before…. Um… I think channel CNN I think they got it on there. It starts at eleventeen P.M. GO, before it's too late!"

"Okay, okay! Hold on!" he chortled.

"Ohmygod! Yur so gonna totally love it I'm tellin' ya!" she clamoured in amusement.

When he finally got the channel on the monitors to show CNN, they saw the bustling city of New York, New York. A city much like their own, except much more broadly known and without two alien residents competing against each other, constantly in the way of the public.

"This is it! This is it!" This is the it! This is balldrop!" she hooted with anticipation.

They watched the TV as the woman on the screen said, "Well, it's time to say goodbye to 2009 and hello to 2010 as we wrap up this year with the countdown, which will start in three minutes! Make sure you don't miss it, because this is a year to remember! Opportunities are coming in your direction, changes will be for the good, and romance is in the air!" Roxanne gave Megamind a little nudge when the lady finished her last phrase, and the kidnapper's face turned violet.

"Hear that?" Roxanne asked her villain, "Romance is in the air-r-r-r!" she attempted to roll her "r" but it came out as an old, dying walrus choking on kelp. Still, Megamind's insides warmed and his ears empurpled.

"Ya know," she continued, "I've always sorta kinda had a thing for you."

It killed to him to just ignore her sexual advances, but he did not want to take advantage of her like that and it would not be fair to her.

"Oh, really? Interesting," he replied. How did he respond to that _casually_? He hadn't been in a situation even vaguely similar to that one before, so he just tried to go with the flow, and stall until Minion came back with the spray.

"REALLY! Can you… untie me? Pwese?! It make my New Year's!"

"Miss RItchi, I think that you should just sit still for a while. For your safety," he responded. He wanted to make her happy, but he cared about her safety a lot more than temporary contentment that she would soon forget.

"PWESE?! You can keep a eye on me! I'll be good girl! PLEA-HE-HE-HEEEEZ!" she pleaded.

"I told you no, Miss Ritchi."

"I'll go kill myself if you don't!"

He knew she didn't mean it, considering she was insanely blotto and didn't know what on earth she was saying, but he couldn't take the chance, and he untied her arms. "Your feet are staying here, though. Kapeesh?"

"Kapishhh…" she agreed. "Meggy," she added, "What's your New Year's resolution?"

"Why, to defeat Metro Man of course!" he said, in a defensive manner.

"Oh, okay," she said. "Mine is you. I want you, you know. You shouldn't give up on me. Maybe sober Roxie won't admit it, but I real like chu."

They looked back at the TV, where they were counting down the last thirty seconds of the year.

"Guess this is it," the cerulean alien stated aloud.

"Yeah! Oh my god! The new year is coming! 2010! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she hooted.

Then, they shouted in unison, both smiling and having the time of their lives, "TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX, FIVE, FOUR, THREE…."

That's when Roxanne did something that knocked Megamind out of his socks.

Roxanne Ritchi pulled him in with her arms, considering that they were sitting right next to each other, and planted one right on his periwinkle lips. Megamind, in shock, kept his eyes wide open nearly the whole time. He really didn't want to use her, but he couldn't help himself when he began to kiss back.

Then, Minion walked in the room at that exact time, witnessing them making out, her feeling him up just a little.

"Uhh…" the space fish uttered in shock.

"Oh, um, Minion, did you find the spray?" the master asked him.

"No, I'm sorry, Sir,"

"Well, that's alright. Just take her home. It's not like she'll remember any of this tomorrow, anyways."

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**One word: Review. Oh, and watch out for the Alternate Ending, which should be up soon! ;)**


	2. Alternate Ending

**Ollo! Here's my alternate ending to _New Year's Kiss_. This takes place after the events in the first chapter, but is an alternate ending as opposed to ending with just the knowledge from the first part in mind. Do I really think Roxanne would do this in canon? Not exactly, but it was just too good and funny of an idea to pass up on! And I know the one song mentioned in here didn't come out until 2011, and in my canon, I believe this took place in 2010 (like it said in the first chapter) but I just had to throw it in there, so please be open-minded to what I wrote Okay, well, here's the alternate ending you've all been waiting for! :D**

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Minion threw Roxanne over his shoulder, as if she was unconscious, and she let him do so, without a fuss. The space fish walked her out to the garage where the invisible car was parked, and placed her in the backseat, overlooking the buckle, as usual, as if it were just an accessory.

The robotic gorilla then hopped into the driver's seat and backed out of the holographic wall. He was very focused on the roads, as they were not at all their best during this time of the year. The Michigan snow piled down on the motorways, and the frozen precipitation would normally get so high that at least a quarter of the streets would get closed and people would not come out of their homes for days. Megamind tried his hardest to provide good the invisible car with wheels that had good traction, but even a super genius couldn't stop Mother Nature from causing an absolute wreck on the roads.

However, due to him being a fantastic multitasker, he allowed himself to turn on the car's audio system and jam to one of his favourite mix CD's. Whenever Megamind was around, they only would listen to heavy metal and hard rock classics like ACDC, Ozzy Osborne, or Guns n' Roses (even though Minion knew his master secretly listened to Minnie Ripperton), so whenever he got the chance to listen to the type of music he enjoyed, he savoured it and took full advantage of it.

He knew that the CD he wanted was already in there from when he kidnapped Roxanne, so he just hit the CD button, and then play. One of his, and Roxanne's, favourite songs began to play, _Mr. Blue Sky_ by ELO. Minion liked how cheerful the song was and Roxanne had always been a huge ELO fan.

In the middle of the song, Minion briefly looked over his robotic shoulder and saw Roxanne laying on her side, quietly, as if she were in slumber. What he didn't know was that she was just pretending.

"Miss Ritchi," Minion began to confess, thinking that she fell asleep due to her stillness and silence, "I wish you knew how much Sir really cared for you. He's always trying to impress you with his gadgets and gizmos. I keep telling him that the bad guy doesn't get the girl, but he insists on trying."

Hidden to his knowledge, the reporter was resting in the back, listening to every single word out of his ichthyic mouth.

He continued, "I just wish everyone could see that he's actually not evil. He says he is, and I'm forced to agree with him, but he really isn't. He's just so focused on getting you and Metro Man's attention, that he forgets he's now an adult and has options. He thinks that this is the path given to him by "destiny". I try to tell him that he could change, but it's useless. He's set on doing what he wants. I just wish you knew! But, I guess fate will have its way."

There was a silence, as the five-minute song was dying out, and Minion had finished speaking. It was faintly awkward for Roxanne, who knew that she was awake, and felt uncomfortable deceiving both Megamind and Minion, especially after what he had just admitted to her.

The song changed and, at first, the nosy reporter could not identify which song it was, but as it progressed, she dreaded every moment of it, especially knowing that she most likely deserved it. Yet, Minion's fishbowl head was gleefully bopping up and down to the music.

"_Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Seven A.M., waking up in the morning. Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs. Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal. Seein' everything, the time is goin'. Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'. Gotta get down to the bus stop. Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends…."_

Little did Minion know, in the backseat, poor Roxanne Ritchi's ears were bleeding from listening to, in her opinion, the worst song ever made in history. Normally, she could suck up listening to a gruesome song (her best friend, Jo, was obsessed with country music, which she despised), but she didn't know if she could bare it any longer. First of all, she was just downright irritable from PMS, but that wasn't the worst! The worst was knowing that this was fate's payback for what she had done. She knew she shouldn't have tricked Megamind and Minion. It wasn't fair to mess with people's emotions like that. The song was not only an annoyance, but a reminder that she had done something very wrong. _Karma's a real bitch._

When the chorus came up, Minion began to sing along with the song, "It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday!"

The "drunken" captive could take no more of the hideous torture and burst out loudly, "STOP THE GODDAMN MUSIC!"

"Ahh," Minion sighed, with the music still playing in the background, "Miss Ritchi, maybe if you were sober, I would try to accommodate your needs, but please understand that my boss gave me strict orders not to listen to you while you were intoxicated."

"Minion, would you please turn off the song if I admitted that I was sober?" she asked, kicking herself for slipping the truth. Under any other circumstance, she would have maintained and been able to keep her mouth shut until she got home, where she'd probably call up Jo and blab about how great of a kisser she thought Megamind was and how bad she felt that she tricked him into believing that she was actually drunk, but Rebecca Black was hell to her ears and she needed to admit the truth. Her guilty conscious would punish her forevermore if she didn't 'fess up.

"Oh, Miss Ritchi, I know how drunken people can act sometimes. They deny that they are indeed drunk. It's okay; you don't know what you're saying. You can't help it," he affirmed her.

"No, Minion. You don't understand. I really am sober, okay? I'm sorry. It was bad and wrong and deceitful, but please, turn the godforsaken song off. Look, I can prove I'm sober. Nine times six is fifty-four! George Washington was the first president of the United States! Ah… JUST TURN IT OFF! Please! I'm sorry! Okay?! Just…. STOP IT!"

Minion slammed the brakes, and looked at Roxanne, who did appear very sober, minus the messy hair and smudged make-up. "You mean… you faked it?" he asked, hurt and disappointed. He couldn't believe that Roxanne would do something so dishonest and… _evil_. _Maybe she _would_ make an excellent evil queen._

"Yes, okay! I get it! Bad Roxanne! I know, I know! Just, please. This song is downright hideous, and I feel guilty enough as it is… this is just… _too much_!" she exploded, feeling miserable and blameworthy.

At that moment, he turned off the tune and spoke, "Why did you do it, Miss Ritchi? It isn't very fair to Sir for you to tempt him like that."

"I… I know. And, I'm really sorry, but he doesn't have to know. Can we keep this between us? Our little secret?" she supplicated, adding a final, "Please?"

"My sincerest apologies, Miss Ritchi, but if Sir found out about this and figured out that I didn't tell him, I could be in a lot of trouble. Please understand that it is my duty as a minion to testify these things. I truly am sorry," Minion sympathized.

Roxanne rolled her eyes. _Reporting about the reporter. How ironic? _"Pwese, Minion?" Roxanne begged with her best puppy-dog face.

"Well…." Minion trailed off, contemplating his options. He knew that he could keep it between Roxanne and him, but he was not good at keeping secrets, and never had been. He'd always let something slip, some way or another, and whenever his leader found out he had either a.) let something slip to Miss Ritchi or b.) had been keeping something from him, he would become very outraged with him and scold him angrily, and it was _certainly_ not a pretty site to witness.

"_Or_," Roxanne changed her tone to a darker, more mischievous voice, "I could tell him all about how you revealed his secret admirations for me. It's up to you…" she blackmailed.

"NO! You wouldn't!" he gasped in shock. He had always known Roxanne to play by the rules. Was there a side to her that was unknown to him and his master?

"Oh, but I would! It's your choice, my fishy friend," Roxanne elucidated, "Look, I don't want to get in trouble, but I really have no other choice. You need to understand that this would permanently ruin your master's relationship with me. He'd be a mess! Please? If not for me, then for him? Pwetty pwese? With a cherry on top?" she beseeched, using her cute baby voice. She always tried to act serious and sarcastic around people, but desperate times called for desperate measures, and she could _not_ let Megamind know the truth about this little incident, and she would do whatever she had to do to prevent that from happening.

"Fine," the space peices surrendered. He didn't like giving into Miss Ritchi's blackmail, but if Sir knew that Minion told Miss Ritchi about how he thought so highly of her, there would be some seriously negative consequences that he could not afford to risk just by keeping the little dignity he had left in him.

"Okay, then. I guess that makes us even," Roxanne finished their conversation. It was true; they would be officially even by making that deal. Roxanne wouldn't have to worry about Megamind being upset by her deceiving him and Minion wouldn't get scolded for letting such a big thing slip. It's not like Roxanne _didn't_ know about the blue alien's affections for her, but she kept her mouth shut about it (excluding the previous hour beforehand), and just continued to play along with their silly kidnapping game.

Until Roxanne's apartment was within eyesight, the rest of the car ride was silent. No conversation, no music, no nothing. When they could see her apartment, Minion said, "I guess you won't be needing the brainbot that Sir requested watch over you and your car."

"Guess not," Roxanne quickly and quietly concurred. She tried avoiding the topic of, well, everything. She didn't want to talk to Minion; not because she was _mad_ at him, but because she was sorry and didn't want to deal with the shame and culpability.

They reached the front of her apartment, and Minion voiced, "I still can't believe you weren't really intoxicated." He couldn't. He thought it was so realistic. Well, he had never seen a live drunk person, but the media really did portray drunk people the way Roxanne had acted in the Lair with Megamind.

Before she got out of the invisible vehicle, she decided to say, "Well, I still can't believe you guys actually _fell_ for it! I wasn't at all believable!"

"What do you mean, Miss Ritchi? If I wouldn't have known you, I would've guessed you were a five-star actress!" he complimented, flattering the reporter.

"Thanks. But you _really_ think I acted like a good drunk?" she questioned as she stepped out of the automobile, not believing that she was truly convincing in her performing.

"Well, if that wasn't good, I don't know what is!" he sincerely praised, "I mean, I don't know. The way you kissed Sir was _extremely_ credible."

"C'mon, Minion!" Roxanne said, not believing that he actually fell for it. "Do you really think that if I was _actually_ drunk, I would have stopped at _kissing_?"

Minion's facial expression in response to that: Priceless.

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**What did you think of my alternate ending? Please review! It always makes my day to check my email and see "New Review: [INSERT STORY HERE]". So, do that. I hope I could entertain you and watch out for other one-shots I'll post in the future and my other stories such as _Secure in Your Embrace_ and _MegaScars_. Well, until then, my fellow citizens of Metrocity! ;D**


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